Remembering Cathy

We just lost a family member to alcoholism. I think one of the hardest things to accept is to see people we care about making decisions that we know are unwise and will result in further pain. It is difficult to respect the fact that they have the right to make the decisions about how to live their lives even if we can't condone or approve or support them. That is what free will is all about.

For me, when I can see that these errant decisions/choices are coming from some sort of pain (some unfulfilled need) and they think whatever they are doing will make them feel better (if only for a little while) and that this is the best decision they can make (not the best decision we can make). If I can see that if they could make a better choice -- they would--no one ever tried to make a bad decision. They just can't see the way to make a better choice or even that a better choice is available, when I acknowledge that, then I can have some sympathy. That does not mean I enable or support their choice, I just see it differently.

There are two things I use to help me when my family or friends do things that I think are unwise. The first is to recite this to myself:

I love you
I want you to be happy
But I cannot make your decisions for you
I will respect your right to make your own decisions

The other thing I think is that people can choose a different path at any time--and that it is never too late to get it right--It helps me treat them differently--if I think they are a lost cause then I tend to be dismissive or perhaps worse, I leap in with solutions and try to "fix" them often in the process infantising them and making them feel inadequate--all in the guise of being helpful (but really it is just a chance to feel superior). But if I have the faith they can and they may change, I treat them as adults and with respect. Let’s have faith that anyone and everyone can change

Here is a poem I love about that kind of faith:

"We have endless confidence in you,
regardless of what happened yesterday and the day before that.
That’s what endless means.
You'll get there. Maybe today."

Unfortunately, sometimes they run out of time as happened in this case.