Softer?

Recently, someone told me that her husband said she was "softer" after her first long retreat, but not after others. It got me thinking - am I softer now?

I know I am a much different person today than the person who first sat in a meditation class a dozen years ago. I like this person better - she is less angry, more forgiving of herself and others, kinder and walks more lightly through life. My relationships are all better and I am the happiest I have ever been.

Over time I think all of us who follow this practice end up softer - kinder, gentler, more patient and loving. It seems to be inevitable that you soften - just not at will. We all purify our pain at different rates and gain insights at our own pace. No two people ever walk the exactly the same path - even though we gain strength because we all walk it together.

I have done probably 20 retreats and they have all been different. You do not get to pick what you work on or what the outcome is. I have had retreats where I knew that I had left some important emotional baggage behind and others where I was not sure I how I benefited other than the gift of silence and meditation with others.

That said - it wasn't always easy. Retreat is not a vacation and some sits are incredibly difficult - but for me it has all been worth it. I am deeply grateful for it all. I like the softer me.